Of all the things Daryl isn't expecting to feel after being asked the question, it's lost. How can he even start to tell him? What exactly does he want to know? What the world was like for so long, what he's done? All the impossible things he's seen people accomplish, all the horror he's learned others are capable of? All the death, the unending, ever-present threat of loss?
All of it and nothing shows on his face for a flash but when Jesse asks about his brother, Daryl looks away. Blinks to clear his eyes. How has it all hit him so fast, with just a couple of questions? ]
Nah. I lost him.
[ He swallows, trying to grind down on the rush of emotions because damn it, they're in public and there's no point in getting worked up about any of this. He's fucking stuck here, he's trapped and the only way he'll survive to finally get free is if he doesn't do this to himself. He knows that. He's been trying. ]
I was lookin' for him when I... [ Ended up here. With you. ] But I don't wanna talk about him.
[ That should be it, they should just be dropping it and moving on, but Jesse doesn't step out of his way and instead, he's looking at him and offering sympathy and Daryl has to swallow and nod just for the sake of doing something. He hasn't been talking about it with anyone because he'd wanted to avoid moments like this, but Jesse has a way of prying things out of him, he's realizing. He can be all too convincing when he wants to be.
But maybe he understands a little better now why Daryl has somewhere else he needs to be. ]
So when I left. [ Into the void, into disaster. ] It wasn't that...
[ That he'd necessarily wanted to leave him, or even that he hadn't considered taking him along. It was all just so much more complicated than he'd been able to put into words. It still is. ]
I've just gotta find him, y'know? To bring him back to his family. Like I promised I would.
[ But he reaches out and squeezes Jesse by the shoulder, his way of saying that he doesn't blame him for asking. ]
[ He gets it. He hadn't been mad before, about Daryl deciding to leave to find his brother. He'd never questioned his priorities even for a second. He'd just been hurt that Daryl hadn't thought to tell him he was going.
Jesse gives him a small smile, sad but grateful, when he squeezes his shoulder. He knows he hadn't wanted to talk about it, but Daryl hadn't snapped at him, or pushed him away. When's the last time someone had opened up to him like that? He's not sure he even knows. ]
I'm glad you're still here.
[ He says it softly, almost a confession. It's not that he'd wanted Daryl to fail, when he'd tried to escape through the void. But selfishly...he doesn't know where he'd be now, if Daryl wasn't still here with him. ]
[ Daryl isn't glad he's still here, he's tortured by it every day, but Jesse saying so hits him harder than it has a right to. It keeps him from going any further down his self-pitying whirlpool and he just blinks at Jesse, studying him. Trying to figure out why he's said that. Why they're out on a walk right now, why they've been sharing a room. A bed.
It all suddenly seems to make a stupid amount of sense. ]
You got too much faith in me.
[ He manages a little smile, small but almost shy, way too vulnerable. He balances it by shoving Jesse by the shoulder, turning him to get him moving and walking again. ]
You've only seen me fail.
[ He's failed to get out of this place, failed to keep Jesse safe, especially from himself. Failed to stay alive. Failed to recover from that on his own without clinging to Jesse for sanity. He's on a roll here, as far as he's concerned. ]
[ It aches, hearing him say that. Jesse starts walking when Daryl urges him to, but he keeps looking over at Daryl as he does, studying him.
Can he really believe that? How? Daryl's saved him, again and again. He's never stopped trying from the moment Jesse met him. Looking after people. Fighting to get back to his brother. Making a home here, hunting for food, doing everything in his power to keep the monster at bay even as it threatens to overwhelm him.
Jesse just can't see how he can really believe what he's saying. He shakes his head, his eyes sad, but he doesn't know how to even start to argue back, if Daryl's that convinced. So when he looks up and sees the sign for the bookshop overhead, he seizes onto the distraction. ]
Hey. [ He nudges Daryl's shoulder, then nods up at the sign. ] We're here.
[ The silence feels like a sliver of shade and Daryl is able to collect himself again in it as they walk. He knows he's being stared at, he can feel that burning into him at least, but still, Jesse just lets it be and that lets Daryl take a breath. Remember where he is, where they are, and all the dire weight that's connected to that. It's enough to shake the ache of the past out of him for the moment.
Enough that when Jesse points out the bookstore, he actually feels a flare of interest. It's the same place he remembers seeing and he holds the door for Jesse, comfortable enough with the businesses here that he doesn't feel the need to check for safety. But he slouches when they enter, instantly more aware of himself and making himself smaller without realizing he's doing it. The feeling of not belonging in a place like this hits him like humidity.
He lowers his voice, looking around like someone might kick him out. ]
I've never been inside before.
[ No time, no point, he'd told himself. Now he's surprised to think of all the books that have been sitting here all this time, holding information that could be important. ]
[ Jesse strolls right in, glancing around curiously. To his disappointment, the store really does seem to sell nothing but books. Not that he knows exactly what else he might have been expecting, but...oh well.
It takes him a second to realize Daryl isn't at his side, and he turns around to find him lingering behind, looking nervous and uncomfortable. Jesse frowns, falling back beside him. ]
Yeah, me neither.
[ No surprise there. He hesitates, looking at Daryl, but gets the sense that calling him out on how he kinda looks like he wants to turn and run out the door might prompt him to do just that. Instead, he leans his hip against a nearby display table, paging idly at a book resting on top and doing his best to exude an air of casual relaxation, in the hopes it'll rub off on Daryl. Huh. Looks like this is the foreign language section. ]
[ He's glancing around, getting the measure of the space, when he makes eye contact with what must be an employee standing in amongst the shelves. Daryl finally touches a few spines when he sees the clerk pointedly look away from him with disinterest. Thick books, lots of leather, nothing like what he would have found back home and of course, he didn't really know what he was expecting. ]
Whatever I can find, really. Last one I read was about pirates.
[ He answers off-hand, quietly, like they're in a library. Not that he's ever had any library experience in his life. But he sounds distracted, maybe a little confused, and he starts to take odd books off the shelves to look at the inner pages. ]
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no subject
Of all the things Daryl isn't expecting to feel after being asked the question, it's lost. How can he even start to tell him? What exactly does he want to know? What the world was like for so long, what he's done? All the impossible things he's seen people accomplish, all the horror he's learned others are capable of? All the death, the unending, ever-present threat of loss?
All of it and nothing shows on his face for a flash but when Jesse asks about his brother, Daryl looks away. Blinks to clear his eyes. How has it all hit him so fast, with just a couple of questions? ]
Nah. I lost him.
[ He swallows, trying to grind down on the rush of emotions because damn it, they're in public and there's no point in getting worked up about any of this. He's fucking stuck here, he's trapped and the only way he'll survive to finally get free is if he doesn't do this to himself. He knows that. He's been trying. ]
I was lookin' for him when I... [ Ended up here. With you. ] But I don't wanna talk about him.
no subject
He feels like shit immediately, dropping his gaze and nodding quickly when Daryl says he doesn't wanna talk about it. ]
Yeah. Yeah, no problem.
[ But it doesn't seem like enough. His hand twitches, almost like he wants to take Daryl's. Reach for him, try to offer some sort of comfort.
It's a stupid instinct. What kind of comfort could someone like Jesse ever offer? Daryl had lost his brother. ]
I'm sorry, man.
[ He speaks softly, flicking a sorrowful, genuinely regretful look up at Daryl's face. ]
For real.
no subject
But maybe he understands a little better now why Daryl has somewhere else he needs to be. ]
So when I left. [ Into the void, into disaster. ] It wasn't that...
[ That he'd necessarily wanted to leave him, or even that he hadn't considered taking him along. It was all just so much more complicated than he'd been able to put into words. It still is. ]
I've just gotta find him, y'know? To bring him back to his family. Like I promised I would.
[ But he reaches out and squeezes Jesse by the shoulder, his way of saying that he doesn't blame him for asking. ]
no subject
[ He gets it. He hadn't been mad before, about Daryl deciding to leave to find his brother. He'd never questioned his priorities even for a second. He'd just been hurt that Daryl hadn't thought to tell him he was going.
Jesse gives him a small smile, sad but grateful, when he squeezes his shoulder. He knows he hadn't wanted to talk about it, but Daryl hadn't snapped at him, or pushed him away. When's the last time someone had opened up to him like that? He's not sure he even knows. ]
I'm glad you're still here.
[ He says it softly, almost a confession. It's not that he'd wanted Daryl to fail, when he'd tried to escape through the void. But selfishly...he doesn't know where he'd be now, if Daryl wasn't still here with him. ]
But you'll find him again. I know you will.
no subject
It all suddenly seems to make a stupid amount of sense. ]
You got too much faith in me.
[ He manages a little smile, small but almost shy, way too vulnerable. He balances it by shoving Jesse by the shoulder, turning him to get him moving and walking again. ]
You've only seen me fail.
[ He's failed to get out of this place, failed to keep Jesse safe, especially from himself. Failed to stay alive. Failed to recover from that on his own without clinging to Jesse for sanity. He's on a roll here, as far as he's concerned. ]
no subject
Can he really believe that? How? Daryl's saved him, again and again. He's never stopped trying from the moment Jesse met him. Looking after people. Fighting to get back to his brother. Making a home here, hunting for food, doing everything in his power to keep the monster at bay even as it threatens to overwhelm him.
Jesse just can't see how he can really believe what he's saying. He shakes his head, his eyes sad, but he doesn't know how to even start to argue back, if Daryl's that convinced. So when he looks up and sees the sign for the bookshop overhead, he seizes onto the distraction. ]
Hey. [ He nudges Daryl's shoulder, then nods up at the sign. ] We're here.
no subject
Enough that when Jesse points out the bookstore, he actually feels a flare of interest. It's the same place he remembers seeing and he holds the door for Jesse, comfortable enough with the businesses here that he doesn't feel the need to check for safety. But he slouches when they enter, instantly more aware of himself and making himself smaller without realizing he's doing it. The feeling of not belonging in a place like this hits him like humidity.
He lowers his voice, looking around like someone might kick him out. ]
I've never been inside before.
[ No time, no point, he'd told himself. Now he's surprised to think of all the books that have been sitting here all this time, holding information that could be important. ]
no subject
It takes him a second to realize Daryl isn't at his side, and he turns around to find him lingering behind, looking nervous and uncomfortable. Jesse frowns, falling back beside him. ]
Yeah, me neither.
[ No surprise there. He hesitates, looking at Daryl, but gets the sense that calling him out on how he kinda looks like he wants to turn and run out the door might prompt him to do just that. Instead, he leans his hip against a nearby display table, paging idly at a book resting on top and doing his best to exude an air of casual relaxation, in the hopes it'll rub off on Daryl. Huh. Looks like this is the foreign language section. ]
So...what kinda books are you into?
no subject
Whatever I can find, really. Last one I read was about pirates.
[ He answers off-hand, quietly, like they're in a library. Not that he's ever had any library experience in his life. But he sounds distracted, maybe a little confused, and he starts to take odd books off the shelves to look at the inner pages. ]
You see any in English?