dadyl | 𝙿𝙴𝙽𝙰𝙽𝙲𝙴 𝙸𝙽𝙱𝙾𝚇 ;

Nothin'.

[ Daryl answers quickly, too quickly really, and shakes his head a little. He doesn't want to bring the association up. If they can't fix it there's no sense dwelling because that will only keep the other set of memories churning for longer. And he wants them out of his damn head. ]

Just thinkin' 'bout things I shouldn't be.

[ Yeah. That's going around, isn't it? Gabe scruffs a hand through his hair, noting - not for the first time - that he needs a trim. His hair's getting long again. Scruffy. He used to wear it long, when he was a kid. Pinned up in braids because that was his, that was all him and Gilly, and fuck what the rest of the universe thought.

They shaved his head his first day of training. Ten years in the Wolves or ten years in a labor camp. Either way, he knew he'd be losing pieces of himself.

Gabe drops his hand with a sigh. ]

I do that a lot these days. Used to think I'd be better off burying that shit so deep it'd be like it never happened - and I'd hurt anyone who said otherwise.

[ The smile he gives Daryl is small, and bitter. ]

But it keeps bubbling up, doesn't it? Hits me sideways every time. You're not my father, man. My father got blown up in somebody else's war. You and me, we're just - here.

[ Daryl isn't expecting anything to be unearthed and when Gabe does it, just lays it out plain like that, Daryl purses his lips a little and finds he can only look at him in short glances. He rubs the back of his neck and reminds himself to breathe, trying to take it for what it is. ]

It's goin' away. It is. [ The associations. The memories. Slowly but surely, they're fading. But not nearly enough. ] Just hits me sometimes. Like you said. Comes at me sideways when I don't wanna think it.

[ Or it makes him wonder how Gabe experiences being touched or even flirted with. Who he feels those hesitant advances are coming from. ]

I know I'm not. I ain't anyone's dad.

You've got Lydia.

[ Like Gabe has Zee. It's not about genetics - though he supposes it is about blood in a lot of ways. Blood, and the quiet promises people make to each other to survive.

Gabe toggles his tech, trying to track Daryl. Get a better sense of how he's holding himself. ]

I know it's complicated. But I don't want to lose - this.

[ Again, Gabe nearly knocks him over with just a few words. Daryl blinks at him, somehow still so surprised to be known in this way. Lydia isn't his child but he still feels responsible for her. He's responsible for Judith and RJ too, and so many others, but some are more acute feelings of belonging than others. ]

That ain't the same.

[ It isn't the same as feeling as though someone is yours. That instinctual possession, that easy to understand affection. It had been all he'd known with Gabe and then he'd woken up and everything had turned upside down.

But he'd never really had to fight for those kids. Protect them from something real. Bleed for them. He hadn't chosen them. Not like he'd chosen his family back home, not like he's chosen Gabe here, over and over. ]

I-- [ It feels like a punch for him to hear Gabe be that honest and Daryl reaches out to grasp him by the junction of his neck and shoulder and he squeezes, almost clinging. Then he steps forward and presses their foreheads together, tipping Gabe's head back a little as he rubs against him. At least this gesture is always safe. ]

I don't either. At all. [ He swallows, drags his thumb over the apple of Gabe's throat. ] I just don't want you to feel like... y'know. I'm some creep.

[ Somehow - like so many times before - the gesture floors him. Catches him unawares. From an enemy, the blow would be devastating. Here, it's a rush of anxious energy and then that sudden calm, like stepping into calm, cool waters. Because he knows Daryl, in the end. The feel of his calluses, way he shifts to compensate for the height difference. An enemy would take the opportunity to choke him, to go for the ports in his neck. Slip a knife between his ribs - something. Anything.

The risk is clear. So is his training.

Gabe presses into it. He tips his head back willingly, swallowing hard.

It doesn't hurt. ]

I know what it feels like to be with people who want to hurt me.

[ He says it simply, reaching up to curl his hand around Daryl's wrist. ]

I know, okay? And you don't.

[ The grip on his wrist tethers him, anchors him to the moment and keeps him from pulling away even as he feels Gabe react to the gesture and lean into it. He's missed this so much, the quiet safety of being held like this and holding in return. He and Carol had had no qualms about touching each other in their other lives but that easiness feels alien and unsettling to Daryl now in retrospect. He'd never had any walls for anyone to conquer in that life.

Something tenuous and delicate has been won here, however. And he wants to hold onto it. ]

I don't.

[ Daryl says it like a promise, like a soft little prayer, and just nods against Gabe's forehead. Breathes deep, trying not to tear up. ]

It kills me that I did. When I was your dad. [ When he'd been all tangled up in concerns that seem so outrageously stupid to him now. ] Over shit that don't matter at all.

Edited 2022-02-09 00:03 (UTC)

[ Gabe reaches up and - very carefully - runs his fingers through Daryl's hair, then shifts to cup the back of his neck. Just to hold him there, for a moment. He's already matched his breathing to Daryl's without thinking about it.

Instinct. It feels right. ]

Would it help, if I said I forgive you?

[ It comes out quiet, and tentative. ]

It was Hell. But it was us, too. I trust you here, now.

[ Gabe tips his head back, pressing into Daryl's hand. Offering out his throat because that, at least, is a language they both understand. You don't bear your throat to anyone. You don't.

But he does. ]

I trust you.

[ Daryl shivers when he's touched like that, always so unprepared to be handled with care. He's locked into Gabe and he nods because it does help. He wants to believe he's been forgiven for it, that whatever had woken up in Daryl back then has been deleted and forgotten. That whatever they have in their real lives can outweigh all that.

And sometimes body language is easier for Daryl than words. He slides his hand over Gabe's throat, now offered and unprotected, and closes his fingers around it. Only for a moment, only gently, and then Daryl bends to kiss him there. Once, twice on his pulse. Then full on the mouth, once, desperately focused. ]

That other thing I told you.

[ That admission he's been thinking about on and off since waking up in his own head again. Daryl makes himself say it into the space between their lips. He doesn't want to leave that memory buried. It doesn't deserve to be. ]

I don't-- I ain't takin' anythin' back, I mean. Yeah? It wasn't all... meaningless.

[ This would be the place where an enemy would wreck him. Gabe closes his eyes - an old reflex - but he doesn't flinch. He knew before he moved that Daryl wouldn't hurt him like this. It's gentle. So is what follows.

Gabe hums into the kiss, going up on his toes to deepen it. Pressing close. ]

Good.

[ He squeezes the back of Daryl's neck. ]

Think I need it to matter.

[ Good. So it isn't unwelcome, what that snarled little tangle of leftover feeling has made Daryl admit to. Accept, even. He'd been so sure when he'd said it in his other life, not just to Gabe but to Carol, too. He misses that clarity, that confidence. He's never been able to put what he feels to words before Hellburbia. Ever.

And it's still nearly impossible now so he just kisses Gabe again instead, his other arm snaking around his back to hold him close, palm settling on his spine. His thumb runs over Gabe's pulse, strokes the length of his throat.

It all feels like more than just a kiss and it has him a little lightheaded. ]

It does. You do.

[ It's the first time they've been like this in months and Daryl wonders if that's why he can feel his heart hammering against his ribcage, desperately awake. ]

[ Nothing in Hell feels simple. What's laid out between them hasn't been - and won't be, in the future. But for a moment - for a single, quiet moment - it feels like they could be. Gabe sighs into the kiss, holding loosely to Daryl's wrist and the back of his neck.

He can feel Daryl's pulse against his thumb. Drumming. ]

Good.

[ He presses his forehead to Daryl's, nuzzling against him. ]

I've got you.

[ It's really something, being held until his doubts go away, and Daryl sighs heavily when Gabe nuzzles him. They stay like that for so long, just breathing each other's air, that Dog eventually whines in confusion from where he's been standing just behind Daryl, waiting for what comes next.

He huffs out the softest laugh and turns to acknowledge Dog's impatient stare. He takes his hand off of Gabe's back just to wave him away and Dog goes, suddenly disinterested now that he's been excused. ]

Can we just... be, tonight? Like this?

[ It's something Gabe has said to him before and Daryl is almost aching for it now. Just the quiet company. Just this. Maybe he'll actually be able to get to sleep tonight, unlike the night before. ]

[ Gabe huffs at that, smiling faintly. They have an audience after all. But Dog doesn't seem bothered by it, and sometimes it's good just to have a break in the surface tension.

He squeezes Daryl's wrist briefly. ]

Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that.

[ Something quieter. ]

Good.

[ It's a very simple refrain between them but it's one that means a lot. Value judgement. Confirmation. Agreement. When Daryl finally moves to pull away from Gabe he takes hold of the hand holding his wrist and laces their fingers together, pulling him towards the room Daryl has only ever halfway claimed as his own. He might hate the hotel but his meagre possessions are all collected in that one bedroom. ]

Y'know what's crazy? I sleep better with you.

[ He sleeps deeper, he stays asleep longer. It's unbelievable to Daryl, who has spent nearly every night in his entire life alone. But it's true. ]

But maybe it's more to do with... what we usually do first.

[ They’re holding hands, Gabe thinks - oddly charmed by the fact. It’s not something he does often. And he goes easily, squeezing Daryl’s hand in his own. There’s no one here to see but Dog. ]

Endorphins are a great thing.

[ He smiles faintly. ]

But I always sleep better with somebody at my back. Somebody I trust.

[ Daryl smiles a little, shy even though he knows that Gabe can't see it, and he leaves his bedroom door open behind him. It's enough that Dog is trapped in the suite, Daryl doesn't want to close more doors on him than he has to. ]

Carol takes the other room some nights. But she's got her own suite to herself, too.

[ He supposes he's explaining the situation as it stands and giving Gabe the heads-up that they might not be alone the whole night. Daryl's watching his back, but Carol might be next door, too. He hasn't asked him how he feels about her since they'd all come back to themselves. He knows the whole thing has been complicated for the two of them, too.

But he feels like he's been awake for days so he just sits down on his bed heavily and starts to unlace his boots. ]

Dog's a great warnin' system. You'll never be safer.

[ So she's close by, then. Backup if they're attacked, if they find themselves facing something unexpected. Anything could happen in Hell - has happened in Hell. But it's easier to face it with people at his side. Gabe knows it's complicated - it's always going to be complicated, he thinks - but this is a step closer to something steadier.

And, he supposes, it's a warning that they might not be alone the whole time. That Carol might see them sharing space. Or react like he's a threat if he catches her unawares. Like Gabe supposes he would, if the situation were reversed and she wandered into his space.

It is what it is.

He hums, sitting down next to Daryl, and begins working his own boots off. ]

I'll bet. He must be nice to have around when it's cold, too.

[ Daryl toes his boots off once they've been loosened and then just flops back on his elbows on the bed, watching Gabe work at his, feeling some of the tension seeping out of his back and shoulders just from not being upright anymore. He hasn't felt safe enough to sleep since Nacho had brought him back. ]

Yeah. There were a couple of nights 'm not sure I woulda made it through without him.

[ After Leah had left, leaving Dog behind, but before Carol had arrived with Henry when she needed someone to watch after her son. Daryl still wonders if that gesture hadn't really been for him. ]

He'd keep my camp clear, let me know if there were walkers. Check snares for me. He had a lot of jobs.

[ As if on cue, Dog appears in the bedroom doorway and then invites himself up on the end on the bed. ]

Good partner to have.

[ It's hard to fight entirely alone. Gabe's done it, but it wore him down until there was only something brittle and sharp left inside of him. Something cruel, because he had no room to be anything else.

He pulls his boots off, rubbing absently at his heel. He smiles a little when Dog jumps up. ]

Hey, Dog. You gonna chill with us?

[ He notices Gabe rub at his foot and without comment, Daryl sits back up and reaches to take him behind the knee and just lifts that leg up onto the bed, planting Gabe's heel in his lap. He squeezes the arch of Gabe's foot with one hand and scratches Dog's ear with the other, terribly content. ]

Guess he feels the same way we do.

[ Daryl's massage moves up Gabe's calf from his foot, firm, sensual pressure, then his hand just falls away. ]

They said they wouldn't hurt him here. An' they better not.

[ Gabe stills, but he doesn't flinch or jerk away. Even now, in this place, his first instinct is to kick free whenever someone touches his feet. If they've got his feet, then they're trying to get him on the ground and that's never ended well. But it's not the first time Daryl's done this for him, in the end. He's got strong hands, a sure grip.

It feels good.

Gabe hums softly. He relaxes into it, inch by inch. And when it stops, he moves so he can press against Daryl, just a little.

Just a little. ]

They haven't hurt Dart.

[ He says it softly. ]

That's something, isn't it?

[ Daryl remembers the little dragon and he nods, hoping that yeah, maybe that does matter. Even if he has to imagine that something born here might have its own sort of resistance to Hell that Dog can't match. ]

I didn't even think it would work, when I told 'em what I wanted. But I missed him.

[ He lets Gabe lean against him and sighs, enjoying it for a few seconds before he rubs his hand over Gabe's back, pausing to squeeze the base of his neck. Daryl is fast remembering the gentle, unthreatening ways that Gabe asks to be touched without demanding anything from him. He'd almost forgotten how nice it is that he always gets to choose with him.

Dog puts his head down on his paws and Daryl presses his lips to Gabe's shoulder, then he moves back on the bed to lie down properly. ]

C'mere.

And now he's here.

[ Gabe isn't sure he believes in Hell handing out kindness, but he hopes - as much as he can - that no one fucks with Dog here. That there are lines.

And if there aren't, he hopes that at least Dog heals like the rest of them do.

He lets the moment stretch on for a bit, enjoying the closeness. Gentle touches, the way that Daryl squeezes his neck without fucking with the ports. And then he hums, and goes where he's asked to. He wants this closeness, he thinks. He wants something quiet in yet another aftermath, and so he lies down next to Daryl and presses close so he can run his fingers through Daryl's hair. ]

Thanks. For letting me borrow your shirt.

[ It hangs big on him, but it's soft. He likes it, he thinks. ]

[ Daryl's body practically thrums when Gabe presses close to him without hesitating and puts his hand straight into his hair. It soothes him in a way few other touches do and he rumbles a soft, pleased sound into the pillow they're resting on. It's easy to get both his arms around Gabe like this so he does, tightening his hold a little more every time those fingers card back through his hair.

God, this is nice. Daryl closes his eyes and swallows, trying to shut out the nerves that always show up whenever he's getting too content. ]

Yeah. Looks good on you.

[ But he blushes a little when he says it because it's actually true. He likes seeing Gabe dressed in his clothes, it turns out, and he has to stop himself from saying something stupid like 'you just keep it'. ]

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